Thursday, June 17, 2010

Birthday Blues

So tomorrow is my birthday. Normally I would go around counting down the days and celebrating the whole month. But now I just want to forget that it is even coming since John isn't here. It just isn't the same.

He sent me a birthday card which I received Monday. I broke down as it was just another reminder that he isn't here. I know this won't be the last birthday he misses. Back in March we went to Charlotte to visit with our friends and they were nice enough to let me go to the Apple store. I have been wanting a Mac and John let me get one for my birthday....three months early.

I know my co-workers are going to sing to me any minute because I am off tomorrow to go to Maryland. A friend I met through Facebook sent a package of tissues (for when I cry at graduation), an American Flag and a few other things. I thought that was sweet. Her boyfriend will graduate with John on the 30th and go over to OCS with him as well. She has been trying to make it better for me.

I feel bad because my mom calls and keeps saying, "its almost your birthday" and I just keep saying, "I'm not celebrating". I just want people to forget it this year. It doesn't mean anything to me if my Love isn't here.


Army Wife said...

Sorry you're not looking forward to your birthday this year.

It is rough not having those we love around for such important days.

But like you said, this isn't going to be the first holiday/celebration your husband misses.

For my hubby and I, in the 9 years we've been dating/married, he's been with me for exactly 5 of my birthdays. And I've been there for even fewer of his.

I'm not trying to depress you with those numbers, just trying to put some reality to what you already know.

The reason I share that is to say that it sucks. But the way you keep from becoming a bitter/jaded army wife is to find a way to still enjoy those days. You can refuse to celebrate, but that takes so much joy out of your life. I'm not saying that you'll ever enjoy it as much as if your husband was there, but try to find one thing that YOU love and do it so you can have one good memory of the day.

Think of one thing that you LOOOOOVE to do and that your husband doesn't so much care for or would flat out refuse to do. And then go do that.

It has to be something that will make you smile in spite of yourself. My examples are going to movies alone (I'm the odd one that loves to do that) and going out dancing with my friends. These are the solo activities that I cherish doing even when hubby is around. So on my birthday, if he's not there, I hire a sitter and go do whatever it is that makes me happy.

I'm not saying that this comes easy. For the first deployment, I cried during every holiday (including the little ones like Veterans Day and Easter and Halloween). The second deployment got easier. And now I've gotten more comfortable with having fun and treating myself to something special.

I know it's going to be a tough day for you, but I hope you can find just one little thing to enjoy.

Happy Birthday!

Army Wife said...

PS You're almost there! It's June 17th! Less than 2 weeks to go!!!

I know OCS is coming up right afterwards and it'll be another separation, but just stick with those little milestones and celebrate them as much as you can.

You've been in my thoughts alot as you get closer to the end date. I hope you manage to get as much time with him as you can!

lmc said...

You can do it! :)

I'll be celebrating my birthday minus my husband this year. And thanks to the army, I've never seen him on his birthday. Maybe next year ;)