Thursday, May 27, 2010

Not Now!

So the last few days have not been the best. John's grandmother is in the hospital and it doesn't look good. After speaking with my father-in-law last night we decided not to tell him anything yet. Is it the best decision? I don't know if there is one.

On the one hand this is his family, the only grandparent he has left. He has a right to know. But I don't want him to worry or be sad. I don't want him to leave the beginning of his career. Honestly, I don't know what he would do. I wonder if this would fuel him even more to want to get through basic or make him want to come home to be with his family. I really don't want training to be postponed and I feel that that is selfish of me.

If anyone can answer this please do. I know I am to contact the Red Cross if anything bad happens, but is that only for a death? If we decide to go ahead and tell him the situation I would rather do it on the phone and right now I don't know when I am getting calls and for how long. I had my first call in over a month this past Sunday, but only for 10 minutes. That conversation is NOT how I want to spend 10 minutes.

At this point there isn't anything we can do but sit and spend time and hope for the best. My heart is breaking for my in-laws and the rest of the family. We have been together for seven years and I thought for sure she might get to see us have children. They weren't that close, at least I don't think they are. We were over there every holiday and major event. He comes from a huge family.

I feel somewhat like an outsider. It's different when it isn't your family, even though they have been my other family for several years. They are keeping me up to date on everything when I call and they are not excluding me from anything, so I don't know why I feel that way. I feel helpless, but there isn't anything anyone can do.

It hurts me to know my husband is 10 hours away and has no clue what is going on at home. I feel like I am betraying him.


Army Wife said...

Oh honey! I'm sorry! This is a very tough situation to be in. And there are so many questions to respond to I'm not even sure where to start.

First, I have no idea about the whole red cross thing or how to reach your husband right now other than by mail. Sorry I'm not much help on that front.

Second, is it the best decision not to tell your hubby? Well I think that's largely up to his parents. Like you said, you feel like a bit of an outsider, which you are. I'm trying to think of how to say this. Imagine if it was your grandmother. Your husband could understand your sorrow, but because he didn't have a lifelong relationship with her, he won't be affected in the same way. He can support you, but he won't be as affected as you and your family would be. Does that make any sense?

And for that reason, I think it should be his parents who make the call as to if he is told or not. They better understand his relationship with his grandmother, he'll probably be more worried about them than he is anything else so they can reassure him that they're fine and he doesn't need to come home. Etc. Etc.

My husband's grandmother died while he was on his first deployment. It was his mom's mom and he was really close to her. He called to tell me and his biggest concern was that I just offer support to his mom. He came home a few weeks later for R&R (lets just say that wasn't a fun vacation) but he at least got to feel when he came home that he was able to be there for his mom and cheer her up and hopefully take her mind off of the grief.

Good luck with all of this! I really hope that grandma gets better and you don't have to handle the whole death thing on top of it all.

You'll be in my prayers.

K said...

Im a new follower to your blog! Im enjoying reading about your journey so far and wanted to offer what little advice I can.

This is a tough situation and these types of situations often arise in the life of a military family. Use this as a lesson learned and find out for future reference how much he wants/needs to know while away from home on for training/deployments. His answer may be different for training versus deployments.

For the current situation at hand I think it is important to take his parents feelings on the matter into consideration, but at the same time you are his wife and not new to him( I think I read you have been together for 7 or 8 years) If you feel like your husband really should know, and would truly want to know you should talk with his parents and possibly go ahead and tell him. I do not however advise just telling him without talking to his parents first, wouldn't want to add to the stress of the situation. Good luck and I hope it all works out :)

militarywife said...

Thank you ladies. Things are still up in the air. One minute there is nothing that can be done and the next it could be removed.

His parents have waited to see what is going to happen before anything is said to him. At this rate I will be telling him when I go down for basic graduation at the end of this month. Not quite the way I want it to happen, but I don't want him worrying and like I said things keep changing.